Sunday, August 26, 2007

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Greatest Letter To The Editor...EVER!

From "Southern Voice," Atlanta's gay newspaper, August 17, 2007:

In regards to the Michael Vick dogfighting case... You won't find one gay man amongst that group of men that gather to watch dogs rip their throats out. It is something that straight men do, and I think it is very sad that newspapers and news stations are missing that important part of the story. Gay people don't do these things.

They have been coming after us for years over this and over that, and it is about time we focus that right back at them. It is their bad behavior that should be highlighted. Your paper should have the courage to focus right in on it.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The greatest opening line to an article in the history of mankind.

Doing some research on Hollywood and Highland (you don't want to know, really), I came across a 2002 article about a twenty one and under nightclub. It begins with this:

"It was the best of times—I danced twice with David Gallagher from 7th Heaven."

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Everything That's Wrong With Our Culture, Summed Up In The Subject Heading Of A MySpace Message I Just Received From A Total Stranger



Mad Men on AMC shows something very few people are aware of: in 1960, most people were assholes...Cut "Clerks 2" down to a minute and a half and you, sir, have one heck of a watchable film...Look for mine safety to be one of the hot topics in the country for the next forty eight hours; you heard it here first...If I had to be buried to death in a foodstuff of my choosing, I'd choose the iceberg wedge from The Palm--what a way to go!...Paging "John from Cincinnati:" I don't know what the fuck you're talking about...I don't know what onions are, or how they make them, but they sure make my burger sing...Say what you will about Rudy Guliani, the guy can certainly breathe good...Why is Seth Green everywhere? I went to put on a dress shirt and he pops out of my closet, telling me how busy he is with exciting new projects. That kid is a humble dynamo...Fire BAD...They say the pygmy elephants of Borneo are in danger. Man, I love that Grey's Anatomy...If you want a truly yellow condiment, you gotta go with mustard...Look for the Fed to cut interest rates sooner than later and for Eric Balfour to finally lose the mustache...Duran Duran, Justin Timberlake, and Timbaland collaborating? Finally some music for the statutory rapists!..Last week on Entourage, the show revolved around Vinnie trying to get E a forty thousand dollar desk. Since then, I've been thinking about suicide...If it was Calvin verses Hobbes in a fight to the death, I'd put my money on the kid. The tiger is an inanimate object, full of Chinese newspapers and the kid is a bloodlusting killing machine reminiscent of Tom Cruise's unhinged wingnut in the movie "Taps." Anyways, that's just one mensch's opinion...People who ONLY listen to "They Might Be Giants" scare me...If there's one thing I don't get, it's how uteruses work. Thank God for uterus doctors...If you have a bumper sticker for a Democratic presidential candidate, and also a bumper sticker that says "Starfleet Academy," please get rid of one of those bumper stickers...I for one am glad that whole "white people making gang signs in pictures" thing seems to have died down...I haven't even seen "Superbad," and in fact it doesn't even come out for another week. How come I'm sick of it?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

My Digestible Life

3 Things I'm Not Doing:
- Working On The Show
- Packing For A Bachelor Party In Vegas
- Accepting That I'm Going To A Bachelor Party In Vegas

5 Lines I Made Up That Would Be Fresher Than "Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker" In The Next "Die Hard" Movie:
- A stitch in time saves nine, motherfucker.
- Honesty is the best policy, motherfucker.
- It takes a village to raise a child, motherfucker!
- What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail, motherfucker?
- The mass has ended. Go in peace, motherfucker.

2 Things I Should Do Something About:
- This Spot I Missed Shaving
- Neck Glands. Swollen?

3 Headlines That Sound Much Better When You Add "You Guys" To The End:
- Obama Calls For U.S. to Shift Focus on Terrorism, You Guys
- Stocks Close Higher After Late Rally, You Guys
- New Al Qaeda Web Ad Threatens 'Big Surprise,' You Guys!

4 Actual Colors In The J. Crew Catalog I Just Got In The Mail:
- Heather Chrome
- Eucalyptus
- Surplus
- Pale Surplus

4 Non-Actual Colors In The J. Crew Catalog I Just Got In The Mail:
- Wand
- Screams
- Hateful
- Shirt

1 Note For A Comedy Sketch I Wrote In My Notebook Several Months Ago, In Its Entirety:
- Sometimes

From My Email In-Box, 1 Unnecessary "If You Know What I Mean":
- "Once we get back to the Hard Rock after the bachelor party, I've arranged for some "in-room entertainment," if you know what I mean."

No, Following 3 Actual People, I Don't Want To Be MySpace Friends With You:
- Tightpuss19
- KidRock420
- Tightpuss3

21 Dudes Who Are Really Excited To Spend 4 Days In Vegas At A Bachelor Party:
- The rest of them

2 Side Effects Of New Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) Drug Mirapex, According To Its Own Commercial:
- Urge to gamble
- Strong sexual urges

1 Condition Preferable To An Urge To Gamble and Strong Sexual Urges, Especially When One Is About To Go To Las Vegas
- Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)

1 Matt Damon Movie I May See In The Next Week Or So:
- This one

3 Things I'm Ready To Stop Hearing:
- D'Oh
- Mc[Synonym For Handsome]y
- What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

1 Day I Cannot Wait For:
- Monday