Friday, November 2, 2007

Come on! It's the Friday Forty!

They are woman- hear them try to answer 40 questions about the events of the last 7 days! While we all enjoy 40-ouncers of delicious, delicious Budweiser products!

Brenda Partello
Erin McGathy
and Kat Something!

The Friday Forty
TONIGHT! Friday, November 2, 11pm, $5
IO West- 6366 Hollywood Blvd (between Cahuenga & Ivar)
Be there!

Thursday, September 6, 2007



Tim Jennings.
Kevin McShane.
Zabeth Russell.

It's a TROPHY WIFE FRIDAY FORTY GRUDGE MATCH! Scott and Dave pit teammate against teammate in an epic struggle for 40 clams. Also, all kinds of drinkin' and shoutin'.

Friday, September 7, 10pm
IO Mainstage, 10bucks.
2 for 1 tickets if you mention this website! Or if you simply ask!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

The Big Show! August 31, 2007

Despite a late rally by Scott, and much charm from Eve, 'twas the redoubtable Craig Cackowski who will embark on his 4-month comedy cruise 40 clams richer. Buy us some trinkets in Nassau, Cacky!

And if it was special guests you wanted, boy did last night's Forty deliver! Disillusioned Patti Smith enthusiast Mother Teresa! Tomboyish, over-it neighbor kid Terri McCardle! British Parliamentarian Something Something-Something! Disgusting, illness-inducing Sal Minella! Plus, Dave and Scott on their high horse over this Larry Craig kerfuffle! Oh, what a night.

We're up for the next 2 Fridays, then we're taking a break before coming back in October with our New! Fall! Season! Come be a contestant:

Times Square can't shine as bright as you. We swear it's true.

Hello, Larry

Okay. First of all, "Thank you all for coming out today?" Terrible, TERRIBLE choice of words. Really awful.

You say you pleaded guilty to make this whole thing go away. Nice job. But let me get this trying to make it look like you hadn’t tried to blow a dude in an airport bathroom, you pleaded that you tried to blow a dude in an airport bathroom?I’ve heard more sensible defense strategies from Billy, Dolly and Jeffy in The Family Circus.

You declare that you have retained counsel and will follow their advice on how to proceed. Here. We can do this for free: GO. AWAY.

So there’s been a relentless, 8-month witch hunt over your predilection for airport bathroom sex ending June 11. And you decided to GO TO AN AIRPORT BATHROOM ON JUNE 11? Like, to celebrate? How about this: if your family is the victim of a witch hunt over your alleged sex romps in airport bathrooms for eight months, HOLD IT IN.

If you absolutely MUST GO in an airport, make it quick. Do your business and be on your way. It’s not like the police just arrest you when you walk in one of those things- though in your case it may be a good idea. You have to do something to arouse suspicion. Maybe DON’T DO THOSE THINGS. Also maybe don't be aroused.

Larry. Larry! The Statesman had "not a shred of evidence?" How about the fact that you were lingering in an airport bathroom after an 8-month witch hunt over your habit of having sex in airport bathrooms? That’s REALLY GOOD EVIDENCE.

What's the deal here, really? You were so stressed out about the newspaper claiming that you like to have sex in airport bathrooms that you decided to take a breather in an airport bathroom? And then plead that you tried to blow a dude? If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and takes night classes to learn English so it can say the words "I'm a duck," then you tried to blow a dude in an airport bathroom.

And this is because you’re upset about rumors flying ALL AROUND IDAHO? Up until this week, we knew exactly as much about the most talked-about person in Idaho as we did about the least talked-about person in Idaho. Relax.

But at 2:57, we get to the meat of the problem: “I’m not gay... I care about friends.” Like those two things can’t be true at the same time. Listen, while you’ve been living two shitty, dishonest lives, you’ve been voting again and again to keep people like me from enjoying one good, honest one. And your party puts the message out that gay people are promiscuous, licentious, a public health risk. But you wanna know the truth? While you’ve been trying to figure out how to explain to your family that it’s just a coincidence that you got busted for the very thing they’ve been the victim of a vicious 8-month witch hunt over, you want to know what my boyfriend and I have been up to?

Wine tasting. Also, Crowded House is doing a reunion tour, and we saw them.

It’s the people who can’t deal with their selves who cause all the trouble. If you absolutely must have sex with strangers, then do your thing. Just don’t try to stop me from being boring with my boyfriend. This isn’t about us, it’s about you. Even if it’s true that you aren’t gay, and have never been gay, I know one thing: you're a huge cocksucker.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Greatest Letter To The Editor...EVER!

From "Southern Voice," Atlanta's gay newspaper, August 17, 2007:

In regards to the Michael Vick dogfighting case... You won't find one gay man amongst that group of men that gather to watch dogs rip their throats out. It is something that straight men do, and I think it is very sad that newspapers and news stations are missing that important part of the story. Gay people don't do these things.

They have been coming after us for years over this and over that, and it is about time we focus that right back at them. It is their bad behavior that should be highlighted. Your paper should have the courage to focus right in on it.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The greatest opening line to an article in the history of mankind.

Doing some research on Hollywood and Highland (you don't want to know, really), I came across a 2002 article about a twenty one and under nightclub. It begins with this:

"It was the best of times—I danced twice with David Gallagher from 7th Heaven."

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Everything That's Wrong With Our Culture, Summed Up In The Subject Heading Of A MySpace Message I Just Received From A Total Stranger



Mad Men on AMC shows something very few people are aware of: in 1960, most people were assholes...Cut "Clerks 2" down to a minute and a half and you, sir, have one heck of a watchable film...Look for mine safety to be one of the hot topics in the country for the next forty eight hours; you heard it here first...If I had to be buried to death in a foodstuff of my choosing, I'd choose the iceberg wedge from The Palm--what a way to go!...Paging "John from Cincinnati:" I don't know what the fuck you're talking about...I don't know what onions are, or how they make them, but they sure make my burger sing...Say what you will about Rudy Guliani, the guy can certainly breathe good...Why is Seth Green everywhere? I went to put on a dress shirt and he pops out of my closet, telling me how busy he is with exciting new projects. That kid is a humble dynamo...Fire BAD...They say the pygmy elephants of Borneo are in danger. Man, I love that Grey's Anatomy...If you want a truly yellow condiment, you gotta go with mustard...Look for the Fed to cut interest rates sooner than later and for Eric Balfour to finally lose the mustache...Duran Duran, Justin Timberlake, and Timbaland collaborating? Finally some music for the statutory rapists!..Last week on Entourage, the show revolved around Vinnie trying to get E a forty thousand dollar desk. Since then, I've been thinking about suicide...If it was Calvin verses Hobbes in a fight to the death, I'd put my money on the kid. The tiger is an inanimate object, full of Chinese newspapers and the kid is a bloodlusting killing machine reminiscent of Tom Cruise's unhinged wingnut in the movie "Taps." Anyways, that's just one mensch's opinion...People who ONLY listen to "They Might Be Giants" scare me...If there's one thing I don't get, it's how uteruses work. Thank God for uterus doctors...If you have a bumper sticker for a Democratic presidential candidate, and also a bumper sticker that says "Starfleet Academy," please get rid of one of those bumper stickers...I for one am glad that whole "white people making gang signs in pictures" thing seems to have died down...I haven't even seen "Superbad," and in fact it doesn't even come out for another week. How come I'm sick of it?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

My Digestible Life

3 Things I'm Not Doing:
- Working On The Show
- Packing For A Bachelor Party In Vegas
- Accepting That I'm Going To A Bachelor Party In Vegas

5 Lines I Made Up That Would Be Fresher Than "Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker" In The Next "Die Hard" Movie:
- A stitch in time saves nine, motherfucker.
- Honesty is the best policy, motherfucker.
- It takes a village to raise a child, motherfucker!
- What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail, motherfucker?
- The mass has ended. Go in peace, motherfucker.

2 Things I Should Do Something About:
- This Spot I Missed Shaving
- Neck Glands. Swollen?

3 Headlines That Sound Much Better When You Add "You Guys" To The End:
- Obama Calls For U.S. to Shift Focus on Terrorism, You Guys
- Stocks Close Higher After Late Rally, You Guys
- New Al Qaeda Web Ad Threatens 'Big Surprise,' You Guys!

4 Actual Colors In The J. Crew Catalog I Just Got In The Mail:
- Heather Chrome
- Eucalyptus
- Surplus
- Pale Surplus

4 Non-Actual Colors In The J. Crew Catalog I Just Got In The Mail:
- Wand
- Screams
- Hateful
- Shirt

1 Note For A Comedy Sketch I Wrote In My Notebook Several Months Ago, In Its Entirety:
- Sometimes

From My Email In-Box, 1 Unnecessary "If You Know What I Mean":
- "Once we get back to the Hard Rock after the bachelor party, I've arranged for some "in-room entertainment," if you know what I mean."

No, Following 3 Actual People, I Don't Want To Be MySpace Friends With You:
- Tightpuss19
- KidRock420
- Tightpuss3

21 Dudes Who Are Really Excited To Spend 4 Days In Vegas At A Bachelor Party:
- The rest of them

2 Side Effects Of New Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) Drug Mirapex, According To Its Own Commercial:
- Urge to gamble
- Strong sexual urges

1 Condition Preferable To An Urge To Gamble and Strong Sexual Urges, Especially When One Is About To Go To Las Vegas
- Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)

1 Matt Damon Movie I May See In The Next Week Or So:
- This one

3 Things I'm Ready To Stop Hearing:
- D'Oh
- Mc[Synonym For Handsome]y
- What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

1 Day I Cannot Wait For:
- Monday

Sunday, July 29, 2007

THE BIG SHOW- July 27, 2007

We have our very first two-time winner, and it's Alex Byrnes! We're as shocked as you are.

And guests? You betcha. Bindi Irwin? Check. Merry Miller? Si. And of course, Bitsy dropped by to drop some science about Skits & Bittles new anti-war show "Ironic Curtain." Whoot.

We're off this week, but we're back in black for the rest of the Fridays in August. Come cap off a hot-ass day with a nice cold beer and some wise-ass comedy.


Be a contestant. We love you.

There but for the grace of God...

My conscience nagged me about posting this (and about playing it for a live audience), but then it hit me: this woman is not burdened by feelings of insecurity. She has no idea what she's doing, and she does not care. "Oh- you want me to ask Holly Hunter a question? I was just going to greet her 18 more times, but you're the boss." Brill.

Please keep her in the limelight so I can keep being Merry Miller in shows. True-true-true.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Danger of Internet Jukeboxies

This glory of technology allows you to play Tullycraft and deep cuts from "Distant Early Warning" in public. Awesome, right? But it's a loaded gun, my friends. And stupid people with loaded guns are dangerous. You can very easily wind up with a song that sounds like a computer getting a hernia exam or hardcore Tejano-Carribean rap or Metallica's "One." The wonderfulness of democracy is not absolute.

No, I'll take the finite list of boring, predictable classics, thanks. "Piano Man?" Fine. "Sweet Home Alabama?" No problem. "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night?" Really? Okay? Sure. At least I know I don't have to drink a beer to System of a Down's "Chop Suey."

Monday, July 16, 2007

Second Singles By One-Hit Wonders, Part Three: Rockwell Needs To Fucking Relax

In 1984, Rockwell bravely overcame the considerable handicap of being the son of Motown founder Berry Gordy- not to mention the vocal assist from mid-"Thriller" Michael Jackson- to top the charts with "Somebody's Watching Me." The single was pure audio Monet: lovely and hooky from a distance, baffling up close. The not-quite-danceable beat? The paranoia? The pre-Tony Sinclair posh British faux-accent that comes and goes?

So it's no surprise that Rockwell came face-to-face with the Law of Diminishing Returns when he went back to the well for single #2, "Obscene Phone Caller." Though the video does illustrate the song's gender confusion nicely. Enjoy, Mister or Miss!

Friday, July 13, 2007


...and then we're BACK!

Next Friday Forty:
Friday, July 20, 10pm
IO West.

Go make some news, and maybe you'll be a question.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


We've finally entered the year 2005, you guys. We're on YouTube! We've got a channel and the whole bit! Come check out our videos, and leave comments. (And please, spellcheck. Takes but a moment.)

Here's one to tide you over: our very favorite appalling LA creature, the Hipster.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Big Show- June 7, 2007

Did you feel a little festival magic in the air on Thursday? We sure did! Ooh wee.

In one of the toughest match-ups in Friday Forty history, Jill Alexander and Opus Moreschi proved no match for the Monster Energy Drink-chuggin', news-knowin' skills of our Alex Fernie. Good on ya, Alex! Now get some sleep.

And boy oh boy, did we have special guests! "Studio 60"'s superfan #1! Bitsy, the girl who's funny all the time! Cody and his new boyfriend Zack! Mr. Energy! Two tons of fun, folks.

Best of all, we got to be one of Opus' new things. Go. Read.

Next show: this Friday, 10pm. Wanna be a contestant? Drop it:

Wednesday, June 6, 2007


As always, if you've been paying attention to the news, you like beer, and you don't mind a little gentle razzing, be a contestant:

Second Singles By One-Hit Wonders Part Two: Kajagoogoo Overcomes Its Shyshyness

In 1983, Kajagoogoo set junior-high-mixer dancefloors aflame with "Too Shy," in which they asked the eternal question: "You're moving in circles; won't you dilate?"

Contrary to popular belief, they didn't stop there. In fact, they continued to be popular in their native England, which is a fun fact to bring up when a British person tries to act smarter than you.

Their second single, "Ooh To Be Ah," did not catch on in the States, due perhaps to the fact that it's titled "Ooh To Be Ah."

Here it is. The shocking display of hair in this video blurs the line between London and Paramus, NJ.

Monday, May 28, 2007

The Friday Forty Recommends...


I don't want to oversell this movie, but it's the most perfect thing I've ever seen. It's about music, love, family and the creative process, and it's set in Ireland. The only way it could be more perfectly tailored to my sensibilities is if one of the characters turned to the camera and said, "Hey, Dave Holmes- have you lost weight?"

Just go. Thank me later.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Results Are In! And...

You're not funny.

Today's big story, Jordin's win being a foregone conclusion, was Idol's drop in ratings. Media analysts are blaming "lackluster contestants, the general malaise among viewers this spring and the simple laws of TV gravity," but I have an alternate theory, and just the thought of typing it makes me smile:

The youth of America are tired of jokes about gays and the disabled.

Wow. That felt even better than I thought it would. Truly, this is my now.

A solid chunk of last night's show was a hapless attempt at comedy, an area in which AI's producers have a consistently tin ear. If they'd removed the jokes at the expense of the ugly, the poorly-educated, or the effeminate, they could have given us a tight, entertaining show. As it was, Jordin's victory was announced 2 minutes after the show's scheduled 2-hour running time. Take that, TiVo users!

From the beginning, AI has been the very show for which TiVo was invented. Have you ever tried to watch an entire episode without the fast-forward option? Can't be done, and never could. The host/judge forced banter has been cringe-inducing from jump, and Paula's adventures in med-adjustment have only been truly entertaining once or twice. The Ford commercials? The interviews? The interminable inquisitions into Ryan Seacrest's sexual orientation? American Idol succeeds in spite of its bells and whistles, not because of them.

And if this season was the one that interrupted the show's ratings momentum, it was also the one that amped up its ugliest qualities. The Simon/Ryan "you're gay/no, you're gay" silliness. The producers' treatment of Sanjaya as though he were a freak who'd snuck in, rather than an actual contestant who they'd chosen. Randy.

"The Golden Idol Awards" of last night's finale brought us back to the weakest part of the franchise: those excruciating first weeks, during which a seemingly-endless parade of the delusional is only occasionally interrupted by a talented or charismatic singer. If those episodes are mean-spirited, then last night was positively sadistic. Remember these two guys who got filleted by the judges and producers during the auditions, then were revealed to have been retarded? Including the one who Simon said looked like a "bush baby?" Well, last night, they were invited onto the stage of the Kodak Theater to face a live audience of millions a second shit sandwich. It went a little like this:

"Hey- you guys. Thanks for coming. And hey, remember how we called you a bush baby a few months ago?'s a picture of a bush baby. You really, really do look like one. Look, everyone! Here's a bush baby, and here's this retarded guy! Doesn't this retarded guy look like a bush baby? Anyway, we've adopted one in your name. Thanks for being such good sports."

Waving away the question of whether African bush babies need adopting, these guys aren't good sports so much as they are retarded people who didn't provoke you. Ryan, the reason they didn't respond to your mockery by punching you in the cock isn't that they're good sports, it's that they didn't think of it until they were in their car. Young viewers apparently reject this dopey cruelty, and I'll be damned if that don't my heart sing.

Listen, Ryan Seacrest is a good broadcaster. Live TV is indescribably hectic- producers screaming into your ear, changes being scribbled onto cue cards, station breaks to hit at just the right second. That you don't notice any of this is a testament to his talent. The trouble is that he's also the kind of guy who thinks "yeah, right" is a witty comeback.

As for the producers, remember: while the British gave us Monty Python and Ricky Gervais, they're also responsible for Benny Hill and "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em."

The meat of "American Idol" is the discovery of new talent, the introduction of fresh faces. And it's important to point out that in almost every case, these are faces (and bodies) the Hollywood casting machine wouldn't allow us to see. Too fat, too grey, too bald, too ethnic. This is what people watch for. And these faces come to the producers free, by the hundreds of thousands. Such a simple formula, it's kind of hard to fuck up. Why are the producers trying so hard to fuck it up?

To quote obese "good sport" and Golden Idol winner Margaret Fowler:
"American Idol is a whip.
They surely can make one's bliss.
For all it's worth, it has its place
for LaTisha [sic], Melinda, Jordin,
and me too!
We'll take the hearts of those who want to exist.

Difficult to dispute. But, as much as the producers of American Idol tried to make us laugh at big, dumb, yellow old Margaret, at least she knew her role. She did her job and got the hell off the stage. Perhaps they could learn a lesson.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Big Show- May 18, 2007

She's beautiful, she's talented...and now she's $40 richer.

The lovely Tami Sagher was victorious in a nail-biter of a show last night, beating Jim Coughlin by a scant 2 points. There was also someone named Kara there. Thanks to one and all!

And did we ever have guests! Our nosy Hollywood neighbor Gladys dropped by with her famous Apple Brown Betty (her secret: just a pinch of Ecstasy). Ryan Phillippe displayed his emotional range. Every Hipster popped in on his way to Cahuenga. And we got a good look at the kind of guys who are auditioning for ABC's "Cavemen." Fun show all around.

Next show: June 1, 10pm. Plus, we have a special Thursday night show on June 7 during the 5th Annual LA Improv Festival; more info here.

And in celebration of the non-renewal of "According To Jim," please play along with our lightning round: "ACTUAL LINES FROM 'ACCORDING TO JIM,' OR SHIT WE MADE UP IN 2 MINUTES?"

1) “If I wanted light beer, I’d hold a flashlight up to the bottle!”
2) “I’m trying to stay Switzerland.”
3) “No way, Jose! This (points to posterior) is an exit, not an entrance!”
4) “Everyone, circumcise your watches!”
5) “That’s the great thing about you, honey. (under his breath) You remember every freakin’ thing I say.”
6) “You don’t even know me anymore! We should have more sex.”
7) “I couldn’t remember which fork to use, so I just ate with my hands.”
8) “Okay, I stucked the cat in the freezer.”
9) “I don’t want to go with you and do things women like to do. I’m a man, so I’d prefer to do things men like to do. You can understand that, can’t you? I’m sorry, we
should have had this conversation years ago; we could have avoided countless misunderstandings.”

(Actual lines: 2, 4, 5, 6 and 8)

What are YOU smiling at?

The fact that this happened on TV is bad.

The fact that this happened on a network called CNN Headline News is enough to make us weep.

Remember back about a decade ago, when MTV- Music Television- played music? And then they started playing shows, and then there was no music? So they started MTV-2 to play music, and then they started playing shows, and then there was no music?

That's what's happening with CNN Headline News and news. News is the new music video. Except, you know, CRUCIAL TO THE SURVIVAL OF OUR CULTURE.

It used to be that if you wanted to be informed about the issues of the day, and you didn't mind having a shallow understanding of current events, you tuned in and in 5 minutes, you were all set. Now, at any time of day, CNN Headline News is CNN Yelly People With Opinions Trying To Be Funny.

Or you may find stumble upon one of Showbiz Tonight's regular features: THESE ARE REAL.

•"Showbiz Weight Watch" -- Hollywood's obsession with weight and body image, airing Tuesdays and Fridays, and as developments warrant.
• "Rx for Rehab" -- The emotional stories of stars who are battling drug and alcohol abuse.
• "Showbiz Legal Lowdown" -- Investigative reports on celebrities who have shocking run-ins with the law or who are involved in nasty court battles.
• "Showbiz Truth Squad" -- Reports get to the bottom of Hollywood's biggest mysteries and set the record straight on entertainment rumors.

Or you may find Nancy Grace displaying nothing her last name implies, going on- even this evening- about Anna Nicole's assets and calling everybody "friend." And emoting too much.

Or you may see Glenn Beck just being a giant, puffy, buck-toothed dick.

And it's not just CNN Headline that's abandoned its mission.

A&E used to be about ARTS. And ENTERTAINMENT. "Brideshead Revisited" and shit. Now? Dog the Bounty Hunter, Sons of Hollywood, and Growing Up Gotti.

Bravo used to be about fancy arts. Now? Homosexual stereotypes trying to cut hair, arrange furniture or put clothes on a model better than each other.

Comedy Central used to be about comedy. Now? Carlos Mencia.

Court TV is showing "Fastlane."

The Cartoon Network is showing live action shows.


Recently, we wrote a treatment for a reality show called "Punch a Pretty Girl In The Face." Lifetime is interested.

We ask you: how long is it until BET starts showing "The Dukes of Hazzard?"

Hey, CNN. We're at WAR right now. It's not like there aren't stories to tell. Sure, this war is a little morally complicated, but try it this way: imagine our troops are all attractive. 142,000 Natalee Holloways, trapped in a faraway land for reasons we don't understand.

Can we talk about them, friend?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Asshole Odds, Part One

Yet another debut of yet another regular feature: Asshole Odds. Herein, we list our favorite offensive behaviors, and the approximate odds that partaking in these activities makes you an asshole. Enjoy! (Asshole.)

Spelling it "kewl." 6:1
Being incredibly muscular only from the waist up. 10:1
Purchasing "G n' R Lies" on iTunes 4:1
Beginning a clause with "the reason being is that..." 15:1
Owning a Juicy Couture sweatsuit 3:1
Saying "bowm-chicka-BOWM-bowm" 4:1
Knowing Festivus details 8:1
Killing your brother with your low, low mattress prices 2:1
Really loving when Moe goes "whaaaaa?" 10:1
Quoting movies on a regular basis. 20:1
Making it a really big deal when somebody hasn't seen the movie you've just quoted 5:1
Actually lisping when you do an impression of a gay man 1:1
Being one of the Queer Eye "Fab Five" 1:1

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Second Singles By One-Hit Wonders: Toni Basil shops 'til she pops/locks.

Tonight, we introduce a new regular feature here at a terrifying glimpse into the darker side of nostalgia, a nice glass of lemonade at the corner of hubris and indifference, a digital snapshot of the moment when the wheels flew the fuck off. Ladies and gentlemen, Second Singles By One-Hit Wonders.

And where else could we start?

In 1982, Toni Basil made the world her wide-hipped cheerleader with the smash hit "Mickey." For her follow-up single, Toni chose to cement her position in the pop pantheon by exploiting the then-burgeoning trend shopping. (Fuck, you guys- remember GROCERY SHOPPING?) Like all enduring art, "Shoppin' A to Z" reveals a basic human truth: both good and bad girls need groceries. Enjoy.

And trust me: [SPOILER ALERT] At 2:18, when Toni realizes she's lost her list, and says "OH NO," you will too.

Friday, May 4, 2007

What Is The Friday Forty?

For the uninitiated, a quick overview of the Forty, and what it might mean for you. Click to enlarge.

Thursday, May 3, 2007


Come to the IO this Friday at 10pm for the filming of the official Friday Forty Movie!

Contestants: Brooke Cadorette, Molly McNearney,

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

It's official!

Every single aspect of this story makes me feel like taking a shower!

Dictionary Amendment

When Dave's brothers were young, his oldest brother Dan had a favorite toy, a big yellow Tonka truck. In every picture of him at age 3, he has it in his sticky little mitts. Some kids have stuffed sheep, some have blankies, Dan had his Tonka.

What his parents didn't realize until it was too late was that he didn't play with it the way one generally would a toy truck. Instead of rolling it along the ground in simulation of actual truck operation, Dan would go to brother Steve's crib, say "TRUCK!" and smack him over the head with it. This went on for a long time before Mr. & Mrs. Holmes noticed the treadmarks on Steve's scalp and took the truck away.

And when they finally did, they told him, "we're taking this away until you learn how to use it in the way it was intended."

And tonight, we're doing the same thing.

Women of America, you are no longer allowed to use the word EMPOWERMENT.

This week, production began on "Bratz," the live-action movie version of the popular line of thick-lipped, bare-midriffed, shopping obsessed dolls for young girls. And sure enough, the producers lay it on this with the E word.

Yes, girls, you are now empowered to have eating disorders and to hate the clothes your parents can afford to buy you. You've come a long way, baby. You don't mind that we call you "baby," do you? You do? Shut up.

We realize many of you women grew up watching the Spice Girls claim that jumping around wearing tight clothing is "empowerment." And frankly, their brand of snaggletoothed women's lib wasn't completely off the mark. Yes, there was the aforementioned tight clothing, but no stripper poles, no open mouth kissing of one another, no presentation of their breasts like angry members of the 4-H club, trying to win the blue ribbon for a prized sow. No, they insisted that if suitors wanted their future, they would have to forget their past, and that their potential lovers would also "have to get with their friends." I'm not sure where zigazig ha falls into all this, but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. What I'm saying is, rules were laid down by the Girls of Spice. Parameters were set. And perhaps, this was empowerment.

Alas, there has been an inflationary pressure upon the word, and with every year, women have been using it wronger and wronger.

Webster's Dictionary defines empowerment as "to promote the realization of one's ultimate potential."

In today's America, there are many ways to empower oneself. Voting, for example. Learning, volunteering, mentoring. Even taking fashion risks by wearing a dress that looks like a dead swan. The Pussycat Dolls, however, empower themselves by dancing like Bangkok hookers hepped up on meth, trying to earn enough pennies to buy their freedom Pimpsako, while they sing songs taunting other women that they will spirit away their steroid juiced, hair-product encased, "No Fear" t-shirt wearing boyfriends possibly by challenging the girls to a waist measurement contest.
This is not empowerment.

Here are some good rules of thumb: if men are masturbating around you, what you're doing is not empowering.

Brats are not empowering; Pippi Longstocking IS.

Any words worn on your ass other than "Save Africa" are not empowering.

Dancing on the bar at Big Wang's is not empowering.

Being in Big Wang's is not empowering.

Reading Cosmo, instead of merely looking at the pictures, is not empowering.

Meredith Grey is not empowering.

Spreading wide while exiting a car without underwear is not empowerment.

There has yet to be an energy drink specifically marketed to women, but it is coming. It doesn't matter what it's called, "You Go Girl" or "FemmElectric" or "Double X" or "Virgina Slimbull"... it will not be empowering.

Acting like the silver gal on the mudflap is not empowering.

So that's it; we're done. Ladies, no soup for you. No more saying empowerment and acting like you're in a Motley Crue video. It's over.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we two college-educated men in our mid-30s have to do a show where we make fun of people and drink beer.

Dave & Scott

Saturday, April 7, 2007

The Big Show- April 6, 2007

Ooh-wee, did we learn a lot last night!
- Ashley Knesi knows her shit AND can hold her beer. Congrats on your victory, smarty-pants!
- Even to say the word EMPOWERMENT in 2007 is itself disempowering. Because odds are you're wearing fishnets when you say it.
- Danny Masterson has five assistants, and at least two are bitches.
- Scott Gimple had the grimmest Best Week Ever audition- EVER!
- "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')" is a real hip-hop song, "Take Them Snoots" is not. Until we learn how to rap.
- Graham Miller is just a little bit superior to Alex Miller.

Next show: 4/20. WHOOOO! It will be a theme show, let's put it that way.

God dammit, we love you guys. Please enjoy our Friday Forty Video of the Week, and savor the subtleties in the comfort of your own home. Please don't put boric acid in your mouth.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Youth Culture Killed My Dog.

I remember when Wes Anderson's film "Rushmore" came out. I went to see it at CityWalk, and sitting behind me was an agitated teenager, no doubt drawn in to see the film by the onslaught of MTV promotion. While the audience laughed, I would hear her whining. Sounding frustrated, she'd say to her friends, "Why are people laughing?" Of Max Fisher she said, "He so stupid" and, my favorite, "He's retarded."

Hey, god bless; she just didn't get it.

I like frozen yogurt from time to time. The no sugar, no fat, all science variety. I get it at a place I like to call "Chemical Yogurt" down on Ventura and Laurel Canyon. It's a soft serve miracle of the Space Age, and it's both delicious and inspiring. They CAN put a man on the moon and they CAN make a fine low calorie frozen desert.

So when the Pinkberry murmurings started last year, I was interested. When they opened their Studio City location (really, a shot across the bow of Chemical Yogurt--it's a mere half block away), I took it for a spin. It was sour. It had calories. It was all natural. They didn't have fake chocolate covered almonds -- they had fruit. Oh, hell no.

I just didn't get it.

So a month ago, I found myself on Larchmont with fifteen minutes to kill and a hankering for something healthy. And I saw the Village's Pinkberry. Now, this time, I knew what I was getting into; I was going to have some stuff that tasted like frozen actual yogurt and I was only going to be able to top it with something that grew naturally on Earth. I got a small one, took one of the available googie seats, and enjoyed my PB thoroughly.

I guess what I'm saying is, you have to know what you're getting into. You have to be aware of the context to really enjoy new things.

In the spirit of that, could someone please explain the context of this:

Seriously, what ARE you gonna do with all that breasts?

If anybody can expose the inherent sadness behind Boastful Titty-core, it's Alanis Morissette. Please enjoy her cover of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps," featuring our very own Josh DuBose as Thwarted Hump Enthusiast #3.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Big Show- March 23, 2007

Oh, what a night! Nicholas Pavlos and Meryl Chambers gave their level best, but in the end, only our own JON CROWLEY had what it took to win the 40 bucks. And hey- he's bought us a drink or two in the past, everything evens out.

And we had some special, special guests! Sanjaya Malakar dropped by to terrify us with his hula dance! Cody took some time out from a rockin' night at Hamburger Mary's to talk March Madness! The disembodied voice of Ira Glass expressed bemusement! Scotty gave tribute to his dead comedian cousin CQ! Bitsy debuted the fruits of Dave Hill's character workshop! Jeez Louise, people, it was THAT KIND OF SHOW.

But we're back in April with 2 more: 4/6 and 4/20. 10pm, $10. And in the meantime, check here for our take on what's going on in this crazy world. Peace out.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Friday Forty Recommends...

Yoooge week for album releases. Modest Mouse, LCD Soundsystem, Ted Leo. It must be like Christmas morning in the Pitchfork offices; hipster after hipster racing down the stairs in their footie PJ's (aren't they hilarious? got 'em at American Apparel!) to check under the tree. Was I cool this year, "Santa?"

Guh. If you ax me, there is one album to buy this week. Clickety-click on over to iTunes and get yourself the debut album by Elliott Yamin. If you know me (this is Dave, for the record) you know- I'm serious as a heart attack.

Sure, we're in the middle of a serious Sanjaya moment right now, and history will judge us harshly for it. But even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day, and every now and then "American Idol" stumbles upon genuine talent. Elliott can sing, motherfuckers- and even though the single, "Wait For You," suffers from terminal Emancipation-Of-Mimi-itis, fear not. The rest sounds like the Art Laboe dedication hour circa 1996. Funky-fresh.

He's got pipes. He loves his mom. He went out and got himself a NEW MOUTH, for Pete's sake. And if he were even 5% more credible, the whole thing would have been weighed down by tiresome hip-hop cameos. I put Elliott up there with Mika and Amy Winehouse in the frontlines of The Great Pop Resurgence Of 2007.

But hey, if you prefer Modest Mouse, I understand. Don't burn your tongue on the Organic Kona at Urth Caffe, knucklehead.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Made You A Little Bit Sad Like Me? DON'T CHA?

They came to find out about us and determine our worth. I mean, yeah, they're judgemental--but really, when you're going around blowing up planets to absorb their mineral content, being selective is a positive thing. That means, at the very least, some worlds will be spared.

So they made the trip, got into a low orbit, and checked us out. Sure, we hate and fight and torture and ignore each other's suffering (usually at our very own peril); but we also give to one another, we can be funny, and there is no doubt that Earth has created some of the finest desserts in the galaxy. In fact, after sampling the Reese's Pieces Sundae at a Friendly's in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Deputy Assessment Agent Glorgak recommended sparing our little planet.

They had gathered their various Agents and we're just beginning to break orbit when Chief Arbiter Pleghull was lazily regarding one of the planet's broadcasts. As said planet got smaller and smaller outside the window of his quarters, Pleghull saw that during that very week, the filmed entertainment "Wild Hogs" had broken a number of attendance records and that "The Next Pussycat Doll," a free television broadcast had enjoyed a huge audience as well. Calling those entertainments to his monitor station, Pleghull quickly put in a call to the officer at the ship's helm.

"Reverse course!" he barked.

Pleghull sat, watching both works simultaneously, each with a different eye. It took him roughly twelve kecktos (three minutes) to make his decision.

And that is why our planet was destroyed, Billy. It could've... Well, it should've been different.

Monday, February 26, 2007

A True Gentleman.

"I thought, 'This bitch is going to fucking die right here in front of me.'"
- Jason Alexander, 2007

Friday, February 23, 2007

Go See "Reno 911: Miami!"

It's out today, and it's funny. Plus I'm in it. So is Chris Tallman, Dave Koechner, Ian Roberts, Patton Oswalt, and a whole host of funny folks. Support your local comics!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Friday Forty. February 16, 2007.

What a show!

Our very own Josh DuBose eked out a victory over crazy old Nick Armstrong and shrill little Marie Lively, and took home the $40. Don't spend it all in one dispensary, Josh!

But we have some lovely parting gifts. Please play our home version of the Lightning Round. This week's #1 album is "Infinity On High" by Fall Out Boy. If you're unfamiliar, they're the emo band whose guitarist looks like Nancy McKeon and whose song titles are hilarious, punny aphorisms.

So. Below, a list of titles. Take a look, and guess: Fall Out Boy, or Erma Bombeck? Answers after the jump.

1) All This Ringing In My Ears, But None On My Fingers
2) I Want To Grow Hair, I Want To Grow Up, I Want To Go To Boise
3) Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?
4) The Carpal Tunnel Of Love
5) If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?
6) Bang The Doldrums
7) The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank
8) I Lost Everything In The Post-Natal Depression
9) You're Crashing, But You're No Wave
10) The Ties That Bind...And Gag
11) When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home