Thursday, August 2, 2007

My Digestible Life

3 Things I'm Not Doing:
- Working On The Show
- Packing For A Bachelor Party In Vegas
- Accepting That I'm Going To A Bachelor Party In Vegas

5 Lines I Made Up That Would Be Fresher Than "Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker" In The Next "Die Hard" Movie:
- A stitch in time saves nine, motherfucker.
- Honesty is the best policy, motherfucker.
- It takes a village to raise a child, motherfucker!
- What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail, motherfucker?
- The mass has ended. Go in peace, motherfucker.

2 Things I Should Do Something About:
- This Spot I Missed Shaving
- Neck Glands. Swollen?

3 Headlines That Sound Much Better When You Add "You Guys" To The End:
- Obama Calls For U.S. to Shift Focus on Terrorism, You Guys
- Stocks Close Higher After Late Rally, You Guys
- New Al Qaeda Web Ad Threatens 'Big Surprise,' You Guys!

4 Actual Colors In The J. Crew Catalog I Just Got In The Mail:
- Heather Chrome
- Eucalyptus
- Surplus
- Pale Surplus

4 Non-Actual Colors In The J. Crew Catalog I Just Got In The Mail:
- Wand
- Screams
- Hateful
- Shirt

1 Note For A Comedy Sketch I Wrote In My Notebook Several Months Ago, In Its Entirety:
- Sometimes

From My Email In-Box, 1 Unnecessary "If You Know What I Mean":
- "Once we get back to the Hard Rock after the bachelor party, I've arranged for some "in-room entertainment," if you know what I mean."

No, Following 3 Actual People, I Don't Want To Be MySpace Friends With You:
- Tightpuss19
- KidRock420
- Tightpuss3

21 Dudes Who Are Really Excited To Spend 4 Days In Vegas At A Bachelor Party:
- The rest of them

2 Side Effects Of New Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) Drug Mirapex, According To Its Own Commercial:
- Urge to gamble
- Strong sexual urges

1 Condition Preferable To An Urge To Gamble and Strong Sexual Urges, Especially When One Is About To Go To Las Vegas
- Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)

1 Matt Damon Movie I May See In The Next Week Or So:
- This one

3 Things I'm Ready To Stop Hearing:
- D'Oh
- Mc[Synonym For Handsome]y
- What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

1 Day I Cannot Wait For:
- Monday

1 comment:

stovegenie said...

So... how was it? "Dave, we're dying. What happened?"