Saturday, May 19, 2007

What are YOU smiling at?

The fact that this happened on TV is bad.

The fact that this happened on a network called CNN Headline News is enough to make us weep.

Remember back about a decade ago, when MTV- Music Television- played music? And then they started playing shows, and then there was no music? So they started MTV-2 to play music, and then they started playing shows, and then there was no music?

That's what's happening with CNN Headline News and news. News is the new music video. Except, you know, CRUCIAL TO THE SURVIVAL OF OUR CULTURE.

It used to be that if you wanted to be informed about the issues of the day, and you didn't mind having a shallow understanding of current events, you tuned in and in 5 minutes, you were all set. Now, at any time of day, CNN Headline News is CNN Yelly People With Opinions Trying To Be Funny.

Or you may find stumble upon one of Showbiz Tonight's regular features: THESE ARE REAL.

•"Showbiz Weight Watch" -- Hollywood's obsession with weight and body image, airing Tuesdays and Fridays, and as developments warrant.
• "Rx for Rehab" -- The emotional stories of stars who are battling drug and alcohol abuse.
• "Showbiz Legal Lowdown" -- Investigative reports on celebrities who have shocking run-ins with the law or who are involved in nasty court battles.
• "Showbiz Truth Squad" -- Reports get to the bottom of Hollywood's biggest mysteries and set the record straight on entertainment rumors.

Or you may find Nancy Grace displaying nothing her last name implies, going on- even this evening- about Anna Nicole's assets and calling everybody "friend." And emoting too much.

Or you may see Glenn Beck just being a giant, puffy, buck-toothed dick.

And it's not just CNN Headline that's abandoned its mission.

A&E used to be about ARTS. And ENTERTAINMENT. "Brideshead Revisited" and shit. Now? Dog the Bounty Hunter, Sons of Hollywood, and Growing Up Gotti.

Bravo used to be about fancy arts. Now? Homosexual stereotypes trying to cut hair, arrange furniture or put clothes on a model better than each other.

Comedy Central used to be about comedy. Now? Carlos Mencia.

Court TV is showing "Fastlane."

The Cartoon Network is showing live action shows.


Recently, we wrote a treatment for a reality show called "Punch a Pretty Girl In The Face." Lifetime is interested.

We ask you: how long is it until BET starts showing "The Dukes of Hazzard?"

Hey, CNN. We're at WAR right now. It's not like there aren't stories to tell. Sure, this war is a little morally complicated, but try it this way: imagine our troops are all attractive. 142,000 Natalee Holloways, trapped in a faraway land for reasons we don't understand.

Can we talk about them, friend?

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